i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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