if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
so let's talk penis.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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