I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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