you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
