Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
