what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
