Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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