U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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