My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
