True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
