hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
