my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
