we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
