Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
