I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
