I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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