I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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