so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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