Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How does one acquire holy water?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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