Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
