new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
