my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
