I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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