Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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