she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
