i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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