Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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