Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
