I think i peed on brittanys purse
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
