Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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