I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
