I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
