your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
