fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It's official drugs can't kill me
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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