So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
