i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
