If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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