Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
im having a threesome with these popsicles
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The struggles of a small town man whore
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
