My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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