are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
