You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
