so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just high enough for therapy.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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