So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You have to summon your inner elephant
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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