hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
