I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Tornado booty call.. dedication
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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