His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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