And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
