i already hear my dad disowning me
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
