I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
