So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
