Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
